For how long our lives are going to revolve around the people who no longer think about us? As I step into my introspective phase, I think it for myself. Haven’t I been so interested in all the attachments of my past, knowing that my past can never be a part of my present? Is it okay to think and think about a subject that holds probably no value to you today and to itself too? And the answer would be No. So then why I could never move out of it completely? Why could I not just stop thinking about it and accept the realities? Well, not for all, but I can speak for myself. This happens because I am not ready to accept the changes in my life. I am not ready to admit that yes, just like thousands out there, even I have made some terrible mistakes on my part, I am not ready to face the harsh truth that as a young teenager, my choice was not right. I am not ready to take the dynamic scenarios of the world around me into consideration and hence I push off all the essentials to move on. Being a 16 year old, I did not know what I was choosing for myself or perhaps what I was getting myself into. I never realized that at some point in life it will become a poisonous weed that will just grow again and again no matter how many times I cut it off. Although I would not blame myself for this because I was really too naive to think this much. Now, I believe I hold more wisdom that what I had when I was 16.
A small flirtatious text message in a sleepy afternoon which used to be a big deal for me then is regular and monotonous now. Today, when you know that every other guy tries to flirt with you, you know that how many varieties of boys exist in the market and also the enormous amounts of pickup lines and catchy phrases they can use. And hence you can decipher the genuineness of each one of them. Well, in my case, all of them just cajoles and pleads to make me have sex with them. Men wear a mask around themselves. They know when to ping a girl, what to say to her in order to woo her and most importantly how to deal with her. They make mental preparations before they actually reach out to you. What you think is an extempore line said out of being flirty and humorous could actually be a planned and calculated move which is being presented as a casual display of talent. You never know.
As a girl of 16, I have admired everything in him be it his funny remarks, or his careless attitude. Although being the younger one in the relationship, I should have been the one who gets all the pampering but instead, I was the one pampering him. Today, as a 22 years old independent woman I understood this one fact crystal clear that men never need pampering. They pretend to be pampered by you and be all innocent while actually setting a bait for you which you just cannot Deny when the time comes.
I was not prepared for a breakup when it came my way and I am sure it’s the same with everyone around. No one anticipates an ill happening in their lives, especially in their teenage. Which is actually the golden period of their life. Just as how easy it is to love someone wholly and completely when you are in the teenage, it is extremely difficult to move out of it later in your life. This is nothing new. Hundreds of people leave their past behind and move on to have a new day, new experiences every day. I am not the only one doing that. However, it is just that my experiences could be different from others but the crux would be the same.
It was very difficult for me to not think about him every single day. I used to think and ponder about our relationship and then used to find my mistakes. I used to do a lot of mental assessments to justify his actions toward me. Our minds have a tremendous power of remembering clearly, especially those people and experiences that we badly want to forget. The images of something or the other keeps falling on your heart and you continue to think in the same direction as contrary to what has been advised in such cases. I have gone through all of that.
Earlier, While there used to be a lump in my throat when I talked about him, I have progressed to a stage where I can talk about him without having my eyes wet. And that’s a sign of improvement. I would still refrain from saying that I am completely over him. No, I might not be. Honestly, I don’t know a clear answer to this. But as long as I can assess myself on the parameters of self-analysis, I know that I have done some improvement which is good. Obviously, you cannot stop feeling it overnight. You can’t change a years-long relationship in one day saying that you are strong and composed and you can magically shift or move out of a relationship. It’s okay to be a mess. It’s okay to not be calm and composed sometimes. It’s okay to still feel for him as It’s all a part of moving on. Remember, while you were a toddler and you were learning to walk, you must have tumbled and rolled over the floor some thousand times but did that stop you from walking! Did you not get up and started walking again. Of course, we all did that as we were not afraid of falling again. That’s the difference in our old self and real self. We were fearless then and had no apprehensions. As adults today, our fears and apprehensions grew which we just couldn’t control.
So, I tell myself that it was okay to be naive and stupid. It’s okay to admit that you have made some terrible choices back in your life and now you are an evolved person who knows the difference between sugar and saccharine. I tell myself that it’s okay to take time while forgetting him. In fact, it’s not about forgetting. Forgetting him will be like removing a part of your life completely. I tell myself that what I actually need to learn is to let the past tense stay in the past and to not let it affect my present and future. Therefore, I tell myself that growing strong is not a one day process or an overnight show. It takes time and continuous efforts. Conscious and subconscious efforts, both.
And hence today, I am writing this dairy not as a Woman of Doubts but as a woman of Conviction!