Diary of a woman ¡!
My love has grown mature. Do you remember those phrases that you would hear from a new couple, or a crush, or a partner to be who would say it loud “I have never felt this way before” “you have held me and I felt protected”, “you have loved me like no one else had”?
For me, love has grown mature. The old definition I was believing in has failed miserably for me. I have actually walked past it without even realising that I was actually stepping ahead of my old fundamentals. Where I am today, I have no fundamentals of love. Nothing I could say I have a base at. All those things that usually people love doing when they are in love have become silly and immature for me.
I believe no love is ever made so pure that it could be kept away from a pinch of lust. The kind of love I have experienced was more or less based upon the desire to be left alone in a room so that we can hug each other and make love and pretend to believe that what we actually experience is love. After stepping ahead of you and spending the so many years alone I have now realised all that a human, a normal human would ever want is eventually “Sex” and nothing else.
Every relationship has turned out to be a slave of hormones, which is very humane and true. Then what might be love if not this!! I thought I knew everything about love and life and I am experienced enough to give a statement that whatever it was, it was spiritual. Trust me, I lied. Not only to the world but to myself too. It felt nothing sort of spiritual. It was just a sense of relief and a state of the hormones being exhausted after you have used them vigorously.
I feel I have seen life way too closely. I feel I have lived love way too harshly that now I tend to defy every fundamental faith about love. People kept me worried for when they are talking about love so confidently today, I am still wondering what had I felt. Was that even love? Or did I just mistook a beautiful short term friendship to a lot more which it did not even deserve?
Yes, I contemplate about this whole idea. I wonder what had left me so hopeless. I wonder what am I seeking out of it.
I wonder why I have grown up to be a woman of doubts !!