Just like those tons of stars in the universe, I have some questions for you ! And I wish to learn the answer of each one of them even if I have to wait till my hair turns grey.
I want to start by admitting that you have managed to fill up some of those voids which somebody else has left me with. I know I have treated you ruthlessly at times because of all the trust issues I had with somebody else. I know I have even put you under pressures of all that which he never wanted to handle. I know I’m casting you in a different mould ; a mould which I know is not meant for you.
You know there had been times when I was too nice to him. There had been times when I had given in to his lies too because I could not see him getting defeated. There had been times when he said “I love you baby” and I instantly learnt that it was not a word of value. There had been times when I was taken for granted and I just could not speak for myself. Perhaps I was too smitten by him to even raise my voice at him or let alone put forth my feelings thinking that by doing so, I might end up losing him. This is not new for you. You know it from all our conversations we had after twelve’o’clock. You have learnt all this long back from the lump in my throat which I so gracefully tried to swallow down.
You are smart enough to read the lines of my face, the creases on my forehead, the nervousness on the egdes of my palms, the tranquility of my eyes and the hopelessness in my demeanor. I know you love me and you accept me the way I am. You have not tried to flood my brain with your ideas. Infact you have embraced me with all my thoughts and intentions and I think it’s a great start. What I still cannot deal with is your silence about the way you Feel about me. I know it from your actions but you have never said it. Sometimes, saying what you feel isn’t that bad a thing to do. There is some kind of connection between us and I know you have mentioned it to me once when we were entangled into each other’s voice with the mobile phones being the only distance link . But you have never said it to me looking into my eyes. That’s why these doubts creep up in my brain. To some extent, I try to push them away but I’m a human being and I cannot push the strong apprehensions away especially knowing what I had experienced in my life.
Do you love me or do you not ? This is a question that lingers around in my brain and reverberates insanely. It is not something which I have ever asked you directly, but indirectly, yes ! Alot of times. Some of which even you would be able to recall. If the answer is No, I want to accept you as what you were before. An old friend who became more than a friend in a blink of an eye. But if the answer is yes, I want to learn everything about you. What do you like, what all are your favourite restaurants to eat, what cologne you use ! I know I’ll even fall in love with your playlist skipping all my favourite songs to listen to your favorites ! I want to know if the answer is yes because then I want to dive and explore into those deapths of your heart where perhaps no one can ever enter.
But before you do that, I have a confession to make ….
You know, this might hurt you but I think I still try to find him in you. No, I don’t do it consciously ! I don’t know why I even end up writing about him when I know he is a story long been forgotten.
Dear Beloved, we both have our own pits and falls. We have our own struggles and journeys, our pasts are completely different from each other and our point of views might clash ! But I want you to know that I am ready to work out these odds with you. I am ready to learn this new story finally after making you wait for two long years because I was not ready when you asked me initially. I want you to know that I have finally moved out of my claustrophobia of relationships and I love your company.
I know we cannot create heaven for each other and trust me we aren’t even meant to do that. What I know is that there is a life waiting for both of us and together we can make it magic … I’m ready to take the chance with you.
Are you ?